Facing Hopelessness

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A Very Special Day

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MS. ANNE RICE!!! I love you and your work!

Facing Hopelessness

Just what do you do when you feel like The Universe is conspiring against you? When you spend late nights scribbling, enumerating plans, having inexplicable visions that make you feel good - only to crash land in one, two, three seconds?

Such is what I am facing right now, or more like for years. There always seem to be something keeping me from getting there. I may not be the most industrious little worker in the assembly line of life, but man, I know I deserve something better.

Yes, I am complaining. Complaining that life was never easy on me. Living is definitely not free. And with every little mistake I pay with buckets full of tears and regrets. Every wrong decision, I pay with nights and nights of sleeplessness.

Sometimes I even hit my head for all the stupid things I've done, and still am capable of doing. As I've always said in the past, never underestimate my stupidity.

You know me. I know you know that I'm a very optimistic person. Oftentimes, I am, yes sir! But I am also human. I get tired. I get frustrated. It feels unfair. Sometimes I just want to give up.

But I know I can't. Or shouldn't. I will not be a silver scar in the face of society. I won't waste what God had so generously given me.

So bring it on, hopelessness. You're not taking me down. As long as I'm alive I'm never giving hope. I may rest a while, pause, smell the carcass, but I am definitely not stopping. Not until the last breath of life leaves my body.

And maybe someday I'll write my autobiography. And I'll end it with a mighty sentence I alone boastfully own. Til that day comes, I'll be enduring what The Universe is joyfully giving me. Death is my only defeat. But then again, maybe not even Death.

=)

Why can't we be like kids?

To love without analyzing.

To apologize without pride.

To forgive without thinking that it might just happen again.

To cry when we're hurt.

To laugh like we have no problems.

To ask for help when in trouble.

To trust the hand we're holding.

And to believe without asking for proofs.

Portrait of an Apology

I dreaded the day it might happen again.

Your 30 messages cut me so deep, I don't know how it's possible that I can still bleed. I am always so brilliant in hurting you. It's my curse. I always hurt those I love the most.

You with your fragile heart, you're my prey.

I know in your heart you know I never meant to hurt you. I never intended to make you feel that way. You're one of my most cherished treasures. I hold you up so high, the stars pale in comparison to the light I see in you.

I want to protect you from the world and from my self.

There's just so many things left unsaid. But once again this silence separates us and I'm seriously scared this time.

I am never the person who tries to explain her side. How people judge me is a reflection of how they process what they know about me. It's not necessarily my problem. I was hoping that how much you know me is enough to extinguish the fires of doubt you've had and now have.

I guess I failed to make you feel just how important you are to me.

I'm not giving you up. Not in a million years, I won't. But please don't misjudge my silence. It's my defeat. It's my only way. I'll be here, waiting. Secretly hoping that my wishes will somehow lead you back to me. If this time you'll move on without me, I'll be happy for you. I only want you to be happy, even if it means getting rid of people who weigh you down.

Take care now. Be safe.

This is it!

I've embarked on another journey. As Karen K puts it, uso ang pag-rearrange ng buhay ngayon. At nakiuso naman ako.

Here's to a life-changing decision I just made. The roller coaster ride just got pumped a notch up!

KAPIT NG MAHIGPIT!!!

Beij's Birthday

I attended a very good friend's 30th birthday last night. His name's Beij. I tagged Sonny along to keep me company just in case I wouldn't find familiar faces in the crowd. Our birthday celebrator was a classmate in college and we only get to see each other two to three times a year. I really didn't know what to expect, but I was hoping that at least some of our very few college friends decide to show up as well.

That was probably asking too much. With some of them heavily into practicing medicine and a couple raising infants, I found myself just the only friend from college. Sonny and I held on to each other for dear life. We followed each other everywhere (except of course to you-know-where)

But these fishes out of the water did not remain as such for long. I mixed up a steady drink with what limited ingredients we had, and we were good to go. Small talk with the 'happy' guys here and there, discussing mostly about trivial stuff. Some of them decided to go drag, just for fun. And fun it was. Hello, four-inch heels!!!

Sonny and I, even after rounds of the red alcoholic drink, were still reluctant to hold the mic and ruin (or establish) their first impressions of us. They were successful in making Sonny sing first, with a promise that I'd sing after him. I thought he'd never sing so I felt safe. Too bad he wasn't so shy anymore. My stage fright started kicking in.

Well I didn't do bad with Don't Speak by no Doubt (my standard videoke song). But I stopped there. I was with Divas! And with Divas I meant like the O Bar Divas, only they sing so damn well. It made me want to disappear, hoping against hope that they'd never ask me to sing again. Yes, you guessed right - I wasn't drunk yet at that time. Sonny was so amused with the guys. He asked me to close my eyes and imagine that those were real women singing. I told him, 'Honey, I don't have to close my eyes. I'm already seeing women!'

There was a short dull moment when I was getting a little tipsy and Sonny was taking a nap beside me. They were still singing and I was starting to feel the stress the week left me with. Sonny wanted to go to Malate earlier but I was too lazy to do so. I thought he was going to leave me but instead, he just slept. Ay, parang ganun din yun ah. Haha..

But you know when you're with gay people, a dull moment is just unimaginable.

Two of them (my gosh I'm sooo bad with names) prepared for us a game of charades. I woke Sonny up and asked him to join. He said he never played charades before so he declined. I was with Team One: Xanadu and we were against Team Two: Afternoon Delights. The first half of the game spelled doom for us in Xanadu. With a score of 9-2, we were doubtful if we could ever catch up. But you know what - we did! An not only did we catch up, but we won by a mere point. It was out of this world!

Thing is, the outcome didn't really matter to me. It's only a bonus that we won. What I really loved about the game was the amount of laughter I gave out. The guys were so damn funny! If I can only capture the fun I had in paragraphs, I'd do it. Well just imagine some twenty gay guys acting and guessing, Tagalog movie titles I haven't heard of, and two insane hosts (one of them having such ear-throbbing nasal voice). By the time the first half of the game concluded, I was already having a monster migraine. Too much oxygen in my brain! I especially loved Joy (The African Mousedeer) and Aaron.

We had a brief yosi break and then we resumed the game. I was with Team One: Skydancers. Team Two: Betty's Kitchen (coz one of them is nicknamed Betty) seemed like the underdogs at the start of the game. Everyone begged for Sonny to join and was I ever so glad when he did, even if the original deal was that he'd never act out. Pandagdag katawang-tao lang daw.

To our surprise, Betty's Kitchen won. Nilampaso nila kami! But the biggest surprise of all was Sonny. He's a natural at this! From a charades virgin, he turned into a monster! Oh I'm so proud of my alaga!

The day dawned on us still playing charades. The alcohol evaporated with each chuckle. I loved every minute I was with them and I was secretly wishing that the night would go on.

It was morning when Sonny and i decided to leave, but we never really stopped talking about how much fun we had that night. Beij invited us over again and I sure hoped there'd be a next time. Oh if I can only bring them all home with me!

Beij promised to send me the pictures tonight so I'm waiting.

Oh I'm just so bad at waiting!!!