Goodnight, Lenard.

Last night a dozen friends and I went to attend a dear friend's funeral. I was informed of what happened to Leonard via phonecall. I was in a state of denial for a while, even entertaining the thought that maybe this is just a sick joke. The mourning people at his house and the tiny burning incandescent bulbs made us believe that truly this is not a sick joke, but the sad reality.

I fought back the tears that threatened to fall. I'm most vulnerable nowadays, losing in battles with my personal demons. But how can I even think of my self when a friend lay dead in front of us, wrists black and blue, face bloated from the suffering he had before life left his 20-year-old body. He died a violent death, and a rather senseless one, at least from my understanding. Senseless in way that his life was taken by total strangers who do not have the slightest motive for killing him. Napagtripan lang. Wala lang. Putangina. He was stabbed to death with an icepick. He bled from within his last hours on earth. Baka "high" yung mga pumatay sa kanya. Napagtripan lang siguro. Kala siguro nila hayop yung sinasaksak nila. Pitong beses sinaksak. Putangina.

He was found wobbling his way through the West Service Road. He died in his father's arms. His last words were, "mommy... mommy..."

This morning, as I tried in vain to start a normal day, Lenard's death scene played on and on in my brain. Twenty. Fresh grad. Smart. Kind. Sweet. Ambitious. Bunso. DEAD.

And as I was driving on my way to work today I turned my radio off and sang Jars of Clay's Fly. Oh how I wept.

I wept at the thought of his parents. I can only imagine their agony, having to lose their youngest child in a violent death. A child, whom they've protected from the evils of this world, a child they gave up so much for, a child they've always treasured as God's most precious gift to them, a child they so loved - stabbed to death like a criminal killed by another. I'm a mother too and just imagining it happening to my child is enough to make me lose my mind.

I wept because the world seemed an even more dangerous place to live in. I will never feel safe anymore. The fear in me for my loved ones' safety had grown to monstrosity.

I wept because we've lost one of the very best friends we'll ever have.

o0o


Lay-out: Albert.

o0o

FLY

Be still
Let your hand melt into mine
The part of me that breathes when you breathe
Is losing time
I can't find the words to say
I'll never say goodbye

And I'll fly with you trough the night so you know
I'm not letting go
I'm not letting go
Tears like rain fill up the sky
Oh my love I'm not letting go
I won't let you go

I saw a host of silent angels
Waiting on their own
Knowing that all the promises of faith
Come alive when you see home
Hold still and let your hand melt into mine

Shed your heart and your breath and your pain and fly

Now you're alive

I won't let you go



o0o

Lenard's journey through life is now over. And I won't try to make sense of everything that has happened. He was never really ours to begin with. And we know that we must now take courage and let him go back to where he really belongs - to Our Maker. He's finally home.


Goodnight, Lenard. We'll miss you, but I know we'll see you again someday.






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a postmortem story

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!


My long weekend started well, with the usual ghouls hovering about. Spent friday night at Absinth where I got to see my beloved dark angels again. Jon a.k.a. ears with feet greeted me upon my arrival. I held Mon at gunpoint so he'd come. The antisocial in him came just too strong. But i aint about to budge one tiny bit. I wanted to have fun and fun i did have.

Jarek was friendly, which by the way is rather scary. hahaha... Nii i spotted with her usual group. Everyone seemed ecstatic to be there, except one. Jomi was battling with his personal demons. I asked him over and over to stay, knowing that all too silent side of him almost always wins when things don't go too well. Louis arrived with the equally handsome RC. Too bad they dint stay long. But at least i've seen them and their short stay made my night so much better.

Jon's friendly nature was really touching. I'm glad you showed up. And dott, man he was insane! He was immensely girlie with his black blouse+ skirt + strappy high heels + stockings combi.

It must have been the excitement over the long weekend (does it matter to most of us?) that produced the good vibes, for certainly everybody, except two souls I know, were in good mood. i was feeling kinna special that night, seein and kissin people, (semi-)dancing with the music. The Atrocity's set was nice, and I especially liked their spin on Eleanor Rigby and Tainted Love. Skies of Ember performed well too, with the female dott in front. i think it sort of confused the ghouls, but to me it was rather cool, not to mention brave. here's a pic of dott's band that night:

oh, di bah ang ganda nya?

Jomi's band was the last one we watched before mon and i cut through the crowd. Damn valet parking, we were only able to stay til 3 am. Btw, I also met Drix, the devil-eyed guitarist of Agape, and a member of the TalamascA account.

After eating at chimara, we went straight to the washroom to pretty ourselves up (goodluck na lang sakin). So there, we were all facing the huge mirrors. One girl said, hoy, pahiram nga ng eyeliner, di gumagana yung sakin eh. I looked at juki's reflection. ayun... we just couldn't stop laughing - beside the girl who said that, na di pala namin kasama. So yun - ang bastos namin ni juki . Adding insult to injury, juki ran out of the washroom and told bijan the story. eh rinig na rinig namin sa loob!. Eh kasi naman, bat ka naman bibili ng eyeliner na di gumagana?!?

Nothing much happened after friday, with saturday spent curing my lack of sleep and unimaginable exhaustion. Spent the rest of the long weekend watching movies at home, malling, visiting my parents, cooking and yes, working once in a while. Monday night was a different story tho.

Was confronted by dott for something I've said at a friend's LJ post. He got so upset but he was calm. And always believeing the saying that ang nagagalit ang may karapatang magalit, i humbly apologized. i realized once again that people differ. that what's okay with me may not be okay to others and vice versa. people differ in their perception of things. and i did him wrong for not respecting his choices. and what got me was when he said that things like those (us talking about his "activities" like boy abunda and kris aquino) only happens to NORMAL people. and as far as he knows, i'm not normal. I don't know but i was flattered when he said that, and i probably know what he meant by that.

And before the long weekend was over, lemon and i dressed up to celebrate the halloween. mon joined in after a while. it was fun playing pretend, especially when you live in a seemingly haunted castle-inspired dungeon. here are some of the pictures:


lemon chopping at the pumpkin which was my head (ouch!)


my baby monster at my parents' house


by the light of the dead


ghouls


a happy jamiroquai halloween!


mon (before the accident, hahaha...) and lemon


a spirit by the spiral staircase

now i cant wait to see my beloveds on saturday.