Facing Hopelessness

Just what do you do when you feel like The Universe is conspiring against you? When you spend late nights scribbling, enumerating plans, having inexplicable visions that make you feel good - only to crash land in one, two, three seconds?

Such is what I am facing right now, or more like for years. There always seem to be something keeping me from getting there. I may not be the most industrious little worker in the assembly line of life, but man, I know I deserve something better.

Yes, I am complaining. Complaining that life was never easy on me. Living is definitely not free. And with every little mistake I pay with buckets full of tears and regrets. Every wrong decision, I pay with nights and nights of sleeplessness.

Sometimes I even hit my head for all the stupid things I've done, and still am capable of doing. As I've always said in the past, never underestimate my stupidity.

You know me. I know you know that I'm a very optimistic person. Oftentimes, I am, yes sir! But I am also human. I get tired. I get frustrated. It feels unfair. Sometimes I just want to give up.

But I know I can't. Or shouldn't. I will not be a silver scar in the face of society. I won't waste what God had so generously given me.

So bring it on, hopelessness. You're not taking me down. As long as I'm alive I'm never giving hope. I may rest a while, pause, smell the carcass, but I am definitely not stopping. Not until the last breath of life leaves my body.

And maybe someday I'll write my autobiography. And I'll end it with a mighty sentence I alone boastfully own. Til that day comes, I'll be enduring what The Universe is joyfully giving me. Death is my only defeat. But then again, maybe not even Death.

=)