Bago pa 'ko abutan ng Valentine's Day...

I've been putting off blogging for quite some time now. It's not that nothing interesting had been happening lately, on the contrary, there are SO MANY that I couldn't even afford to pause and take a deep breath.

Enter 2008. Goodbye 4-year-old job, hello exciting new one! Well at least it was exciting when it was new. I'm struggling now, given the ultimate adjustments I had to undergo (working from 4 am to 2 pm, commuting to and from Makati, being confined in a station 8 hours a day, etc.). It's not just once that I thought of giving up, but I know I couldn't. At least not now.

Happy thoughts. Filling me a glass jar, plucking one at random when needed. Whenever I feel like giving up I search within my evil black heart for a certain thing, person, or thought that could make me happy, even temporarily. My daughter, God, fun people I work with, friends, crushes, HD's, Jack Skellington, Peter Pan and Tinker Bell, my mom, salary, kicking a$$, rest days, rock music, music videos, movies in my iPod... the list is endless. But sometimes it feels like they're not enough. I let out an exasperated breath and whisper, "Lord, ikaw na bahala ha. Parang di ko na kaya eh..."

To those whom I've promised attendance but didn't keep my word - I'm so sorry. It hurts me more than it hurts you. Sometimes, or most of the time, I'm just too physically and emotionally exhausted to move out of the comforts of my misery. Whenever I miss an event that I'm dying to go to, I simply get dead sad and hope that the world will forgive me for not doing what I love. I hope that I forgive my self for not doing the things I love. Then I go get a huge box of chocolates and devour everything in an hour.

Truth be told, I'm a maggot. I'm in this phase I should've grown out of years ago. I'm not really back to zero but I'm nowhere near the finish line. I've struggling to keep a balance in my life, but failing miserably to do so.

Deadline? I give my self til end of March to sort things out. I have to live the rest of the year happily content with what I have and what I can do.

And oh yeah, Happy Valentine's Day. I need all the love I can get. I once read that sometimes a smile is the ray of light that we need in our otherwise gloomy day. I would be needing those smiles now, please.