sad sad song

I stayed home because my throat hurts like hell. My three-month immunized state theory proved to be wrong this time (I got sick in november yata). Anyways, I was in my bed, listening to my mp3s when this certain sad song played. There are only 3 persons in the world I know who know this and one of them caused me to forever feel sad whenever I hear this song. Same person who's the reason why i almost always cry when I listen to Home, from Dishwalla's Opaline album. Anyhoot, here's the lyrics of the song which, just now, made the lump in my throat even bigger. I feel like I'm going to suffocate.


Here I am, There you go
SPLENDER

So now you say dirty things that you regret
Try to breathe and relax and get over it
This I know, this I know.

And now you look and you're digging a deep hole
And every word that you say is regrettable
This I know, this I know.

But here I am
There you go
Time's been changing you more than you'd ever know
Here I am
There you go
Ive been waiting for more than you'd ever know.

You can pretend that you don't need a reason
For all the calls on the phone that would never end
This I know, this I know.
So now you're cold and you're tired and you ask me
Try to wave with the hand as you scratch me
This I know, this I know.

But here I am
There you go
Time's been changing you more than you'd ever know.
Here I am
Letting go
I've been waiting for more than you'd ever know.

We'll last, stay here.
While you're not there
Bear with me, please.
Day after day
I'll get my way
Bear with me.

So now you stare at the face in the photograph
You want to scream but you can't get away with this
This I love, this I love.

But here I am
There you go
Time's been changing you more than you'd ever know
Here I am
I'll let you go
I've been waiting for more than, more than you know.

But I know
But I know
More than you know

Here I am (I know, well I know)
Here I am (I know)

A Blessed Christmas

oh! words are not enough to describe the inner happiness i felt that night. eto na ang pics galore (from so many):



Class Pic =P


ganda ng fit!:D


Daks taking center stage


tusukin kita jan eh...;)


what's with the breacelet?




with a cutesy newbie =c)



...for God is our Keeper.

Copied from Jomi @ myspace

I just needed a break.

10 Favorites:

Favorite Color: Amber
Favorite Food: Kare-kare @ bodhi
Favorite Band: Jars of Clay
Favorite Movie: A Knight's Tale
Favorite Sport to Watch: Basketball
Favorite Sport to Play: Basketball
Favorite Season: cold but dry
Favorite Day Of the Week: Saturday
Favorite Ice Cream: pistachio? (i suck at spelling)
Favorite Time of Day: about to fall asleep, after a hard day's work

9 Currents...

Current Mood: confused
Current Taste: minty
Current Desktop Picture: my wishlist
Current Nail Color: nuthin
Current Time: 10:33 pm
Current Surroundings: dark bedroom, war of the worlds playing behind me
Current Annoyance(s): self-destruction, tactlessness, anxiety, confusion
Current Thought: i have a lot to do.

8 Firsts...

First Best friend: smile
First Kiss: sharen
First Screen Name: yeah_whatever
First Pet: bogart the askal
First Piercing: ears (i was in highschool na)
First Crush: JC. i was stupid.
First Concert: parang e-heads yata @ UP Manila
First alcoholic drink: beer when i was in grade 4

7 Lasts...

Last Cigarette: an hour ago
Last Drink: pineapple-orange
Last Car Ride: this evening, 2 hours ago
Last Kiss: non romantic? with my dad this evening
Last Movie Seen: chicken little
Last Phone call: this afternoon with a client
Last CD Played: Christian Rock compilation

6 Have You Evers...

Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: nopez
Have You Ever Broken the Law: of course (evryday while driving)
Have You Ever Been Arrested: nah
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: oh the horror!
Have You Ever Been on TV: yeah... it was a rally ousting erap (oh UP days!)
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: no

5 Things...

Things You're wearing: boxers, shirt (gawd i'm scary!)
Things You Did Last Night: slept for 9 holy hours!
Things You Can't Live without: necessities not included: lipbalm
Things You Do When Your bored: read
Things You Dislike: temporary friends, superficiality (if there ever is a word)

4 Places You've Been

Today: cubao office, my parents' house
Yesterday: cubao
Out of the state: NA
Out of the country: neptune, moon

3 People You Can Tell Anything To:
wala. i hope there's someone out there.

2 Choices...

Black or White: black
Hot or Cold: hot

1 Wish...
for everybody to dig a little deeper

The First Christmas Gift(s) I Received

Lemon surprised me this morning with a little sumthin. Lookie here:



Of course she couldn't go shopping yet. But she gave me the most precious gift I could ever get - her unconditional love. My little girl knows me. She knows what would make me happy. And in this illustration she lovingly finished it's obvious that she listens to me, and a lot. She told me, "Mom, 'yan ang gifts ko sa'yo." Then she hugged me. If that doesn't melt your heart then nothing can.

I'm so in love with Lemon!!!

And now a little game. Try to find the following items:
1. a cat (we have a new cat)
2. a bed (I'd like a new bed, we both do. A double-decker.)
3. a house (haha... oh she listens indeed!)
4. a car (I hate my "coding" days. Solution? Another car!)
5. a lampshade (i'm always complaining about how dark our house is)
6. a stove (of my own)
7. a ring (she knows how kikay her mom is)
8. pieces of paper (i'm not that workaholic! hehe..)
9. a handbag (oh how i love bags!)
10. an electric fan (hahaha... she's so observant!)
11. a flower
12. a Christmas card with a Christmas tree
13. vegetables (now this cracked me up!)
14. a picture frame (with a family picture - this shattered my heart)
15. a pillow (i'm a sleepyhead)
16. a snowman (heehee..)

and a bunch of stuff i can't recognize. I'll ask her later.

She rocks my world!

My Christmas Wishlist and a Quiz

Everybody has one -grins-


And now this (thanks, moki):

Androgynous You scored 66 masculinity and 63 femininity!

You scored high on both masculinity and femininity. You have a strong personality exhibiting characteristics of both traditional sex roles.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 59% on masculinity You scored higher than 58% on femininity

Link: The Bem Sex Role Inventory Test written by weirdscience on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Goodnight, Lenard.

Last night a dozen friends and I went to attend a dear friend's funeral. I was informed of what happened to Leonard via phonecall. I was in a state of denial for a while, even entertaining the thought that maybe this is just a sick joke. The mourning people at his house and the tiny burning incandescent bulbs made us believe that truly this is not a sick joke, but the sad reality.

I fought back the tears that threatened to fall. I'm most vulnerable nowadays, losing in battles with my personal demons. But how can I even think of my self when a friend lay dead in front of us, wrists black and blue, face bloated from the suffering he had before life left his 20-year-old body. He died a violent death, and a rather senseless one, at least from my understanding. Senseless in way that his life was taken by total strangers who do not have the slightest motive for killing him. Napagtripan lang. Wala lang. Putangina. He was stabbed to death with an icepick. He bled from within his last hours on earth. Baka "high" yung mga pumatay sa kanya. Napagtripan lang siguro. Kala siguro nila hayop yung sinasaksak nila. Pitong beses sinaksak. Putangina.

He was found wobbling his way through the West Service Road. He died in his father's arms. His last words were, "mommy... mommy..."

This morning, as I tried in vain to start a normal day, Lenard's death scene played on and on in my brain. Twenty. Fresh grad. Smart. Kind. Sweet. Ambitious. Bunso. DEAD.

And as I was driving on my way to work today I turned my radio off and sang Jars of Clay's Fly. Oh how I wept.

I wept at the thought of his parents. I can only imagine their agony, having to lose their youngest child in a violent death. A child, whom they've protected from the evils of this world, a child they gave up so much for, a child they've always treasured as God's most precious gift to them, a child they so loved - stabbed to death like a criminal killed by another. I'm a mother too and just imagining it happening to my child is enough to make me lose my mind.

I wept because the world seemed an even more dangerous place to live in. I will never feel safe anymore. The fear in me for my loved ones' safety had grown to monstrosity.

I wept because we've lost one of the very best friends we'll ever have.

o0o


Lay-out: Albert.

o0o

FLY

Be still
Let your hand melt into mine
The part of me that breathes when you breathe
Is losing time
I can't find the words to say
I'll never say goodbye

And I'll fly with you trough the night so you know
I'm not letting go
I'm not letting go
Tears like rain fill up the sky
Oh my love I'm not letting go
I won't let you go

I saw a host of silent angels
Waiting on their own
Knowing that all the promises of faith
Come alive when you see home
Hold still and let your hand melt into mine

Shed your heart and your breath and your pain and fly

Now you're alive

I won't let you go



o0o

Lenard's journey through life is now over. And I won't try to make sense of everything that has happened. He was never really ours to begin with. And we know that we must now take courage and let him go back to where he really belongs - to Our Maker. He's finally home.


Goodnight, Lenard. We'll miss you, but I know we'll see you again someday.






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a postmortem story

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!


My long weekend started well, with the usual ghouls hovering about. Spent friday night at Absinth where I got to see my beloved dark angels again. Jon a.k.a. ears with feet greeted me upon my arrival. I held Mon at gunpoint so he'd come. The antisocial in him came just too strong. But i aint about to budge one tiny bit. I wanted to have fun and fun i did have.

Jarek was friendly, which by the way is rather scary. hahaha... Nii i spotted with her usual group. Everyone seemed ecstatic to be there, except one. Jomi was battling with his personal demons. I asked him over and over to stay, knowing that all too silent side of him almost always wins when things don't go too well. Louis arrived with the equally handsome RC. Too bad they dint stay long. But at least i've seen them and their short stay made my night so much better.

Jon's friendly nature was really touching. I'm glad you showed up. And dott, man he was insane! He was immensely girlie with his black blouse+ skirt + strappy high heels + stockings combi.

It must have been the excitement over the long weekend (does it matter to most of us?) that produced the good vibes, for certainly everybody, except two souls I know, were in good mood. i was feeling kinna special that night, seein and kissin people, (semi-)dancing with the music. The Atrocity's set was nice, and I especially liked their spin on Eleanor Rigby and Tainted Love. Skies of Ember performed well too, with the female dott in front. i think it sort of confused the ghouls, but to me it was rather cool, not to mention brave. here's a pic of dott's band that night:

oh, di bah ang ganda nya?

Jomi's band was the last one we watched before mon and i cut through the crowd. Damn valet parking, we were only able to stay til 3 am. Btw, I also met Drix, the devil-eyed guitarist of Agape, and a member of the TalamascA account.

After eating at chimara, we went straight to the washroom to pretty ourselves up (goodluck na lang sakin). So there, we were all facing the huge mirrors. One girl said, hoy, pahiram nga ng eyeliner, di gumagana yung sakin eh. I looked at juki's reflection. ayun... we just couldn't stop laughing - beside the girl who said that, na di pala namin kasama. So yun - ang bastos namin ni juki . Adding insult to injury, juki ran out of the washroom and told bijan the story. eh rinig na rinig namin sa loob!. Eh kasi naman, bat ka naman bibili ng eyeliner na di gumagana?!?

Nothing much happened after friday, with saturday spent curing my lack of sleep and unimaginable exhaustion. Spent the rest of the long weekend watching movies at home, malling, visiting my parents, cooking and yes, working once in a while. Monday night was a different story tho.

Was confronted by dott for something I've said at a friend's LJ post. He got so upset but he was calm. And always believeing the saying that ang nagagalit ang may karapatang magalit, i humbly apologized. i realized once again that people differ. that what's okay with me may not be okay to others and vice versa. people differ in their perception of things. and i did him wrong for not respecting his choices. and what got me was when he said that things like those (us talking about his "activities" like boy abunda and kris aquino) only happens to NORMAL people. and as far as he knows, i'm not normal. I don't know but i was flattered when he said that, and i probably know what he meant by that.

And before the long weekend was over, lemon and i dressed up to celebrate the halloween. mon joined in after a while. it was fun playing pretend, especially when you live in a seemingly haunted castle-inspired dungeon. here are some of the pictures:


lemon chopping at the pumpkin which was my head (ouch!)


my baby monster at my parents' house


by the light of the dead


ghouls


a happy jamiroquai halloween!


mon (before the accident, hahaha...) and lemon


a spirit by the spiral staircase

now i cant wait to see my beloveds on saturday.